The eternal martyr also skillfully plays on her role as a victim—but the helplessness lies not with her, but with her counterpart.

In order to play the role of martyr, she needs a direct counterpart whom she can influence and manipulate.

The eternal martyr is often the mother who always suffers, who sacrifices herself for the family, who does everything for the children, who only functions so that the family can exist, for whom there is not a penny left – in short: without whom it would not work.

Unlike the drama queen, this narcissist suffers silently. Her sacrifice, her daily achievements, which are always for the well-being of everyone – this is not something that is propagated to the outside world. At some point, you will see the suffering and the burden, because unlike other narcissists, she does not practice self-care, as that would not fit her role. Elaborate manicures, expensive visits to the hairdresser, exclusive care – that would not fit with the image of a woman suffering in silence. Since she cannot communicate her suffering openly, she must look like she is suffering so that those around her can still perceive her role.

The eternal martyr also needs extras and the right setting in her life to play her role perfectly. The apartment is always clean and tidy so that she can control the image she wants to project to the outside world. However, she will not allow herself the luxury of hiring help. The apartment must not be perfect or too comfortable, so that the narcissist has room to continue living out her suffering.

In contrast to the drama queen, her extras are often only her closest family members, who are directly affected. The eternal martyr has a problem with her role, which she cannot play out to a wider audience in the long run: she must always suffer.

Here, too, there are no solutions to problems. But unlike the drama queen, who changes roles, the eternal martyr remains in hers. However, this means that not much can change in her life. Change means the chance for improvement—and that would be counterproductive for this narcissist. She likes to suffer, but in order to suffer, she needs problems and circumstances that allow her to display this suffering. Friends or other family members would notice over a longer period of time that although the circumstances may indeed be regrettable, absolutely nothing is being done to change them. On the contrary, the eternal martyr maintains the suffering in her life. There is no way out of the misery. Why should there be? The misery is intentional.

In relation to her own family, this means a high degree of subtle manipulation to control the emotional perception of family members. There is a fine line between the eternal victim mentality, which requires passive energy, and the active portrayal of a martyr who fights for the good of others. In order to play this role permanently, the narcissist needs an opponent, usually the narcissist’s partner. This person must always be in the role of the dysfunctional, unreliable, and unstable parent so that the narcissist can in turn play her role credibly. Family life seems to revolve around the unreliable parent, the drama, the escapades, the breakdowns—everything revolves around this parent. Meanwhile, the narcissist can shine in her role as the self-sacrificing heroine.

Good cop, bad cop. Villain and hero. The roles here seem to be clearly distributed. However, this narcissist is very skilled and dangerous in her level of manipulation. She is a very good actress who has “trained” her immediate environment to be part of her performance through years of deception and influence. In contrast to the drama queen, the victim role is not portrayed loudly and theatrically, but on a subtle level that requires “active looking away.”

Problems, illnesses, and conflicts must not be solved, but they cannot be actively provoked either. After all, the passive energy of a “typical” victim must be maintained. This narcissist therefore sees the problems around her and in her environment, but will not actively do anything to prevent them. She will wait with open eyes until escalation can no longer be avoided. At the same time, she can absolve herself of any guilt, because she has not actively done anything to cause the escalation, but also nothing to prevent it.

Just like the drama queen, she needs the anger and drama, but does not want to be at the center of it. Instead, she can remain in the background in her role and still get the sympathy and attention she needs.

The narcissist’s immediate environment should reflect her indispensability and willingness to sacrifice herself by keeping each of the family members in a state of helplessness.