From the outside, everything looks normal. You’re smiling in photos, you plan vacations, and when someone asks, you say: “Things are just a little hard right now.” But something inside you has changed. You just can’t quite put your finger on it.
Most lists about toxic relationships describe the other person’s behavior: gaslighting, control, belittling. That matters. But many people don’t recognize themselves in those lists right away, because they’re in the middle of it. That’s why this article is about the other side: What does it feel like? What happens in you – in your mind and in your body?
1. You’re walking on eggshells
You read his mood before you walk into the room. You rehearse sentences so they won’t land wrong. You never quite know what will set off the next fight – so you try to avoid everything. Staying on high alert like this is exhausting, even when nothing is happening.
2. You doubt your own perception
“Maybe I’m overreacting.” “Maybe he’s right and I’m too sensitive.” In toxic relationships, your memory and your experience get questioned again and again. Eventually, you start doing it to yourself. Many people begin writing down conversations or taking screenshots, just to prove to themselves that they’re not crazy.
3. The good moments feel disproportionately good
After days of coldness, there’s suddenly a loving evening. And you feel a relief that’s almost euphoric. That exact swing between closeness and withdrawal is what makes toxic relationships so binding. Psychologists call it intermittent reinforcement – the same principle behind trauma bonding.
4. You’re getting smaller
You dress differently, see your friends less, give up hobbies. Not because he directly forbade it, but because it’s easier. Every deviation costs energy. Then one day you look in the mirror and wonder where the woman you used to be has gone.
5. You apologize constantly
Even for things that aren’t your fault. For his bad mood. For your feelings. For bringing something up at all. Apologizing becomes a strategy to calm things down – a typical form of adaptation I describe in detail in Fawning: The Fourth Stress Response No One Talks About.
6. Your body knows first
Your body often realizes something is wrong long before your mind does. Common signs include:
- your heart racing when his name lights up your phone
- trouble sleeping or lying awake ruminating
- stomach issues, tension, headaches
- constant fatigue, even when you sleep enough
- getting sick more often
Your nervous system is stuck in permanent alarm mode. It’s waiting for the next threat – and that’s why it can’t settle into rest.
7. You feel lonely even though you’re not alone
You live together, sleep in the same bed, and still you feel invisible. You keep your thoughts to yourself because they might be used against you. At the same time, you’ve drifted away from your friends, because it’s hard to explain what’s actually going on.
8. You defend him – to others and to yourself
“He had a hard childhood.” “He’s under a lot of pressure right now.” “It’s not that bad.” When friends gently ask, you get defensive. Not because you’re lying, but because the truth would hurt too much. And because you’re still hoping he’ll go back to the way he was at the beginning.
9. You can’t imagine a life without him – or a life with him
This inner split is one of the clearest signs. Leaving feels impossible. Staying feels wrong. Many people describe it as feeling stuck with no way out.
Rough patch or toxic relationship?
Every relationship goes through crises. The difference is the pattern. In a healthy relationship, there are fights, but there’s also repair: both people can admit mistakes, and you basically feel safe. In a toxic relationship, the responsibility usually lands on you, and fear is a constant companion.
One simple question can help: How do I feel when he’s not around? If the answer is “relieved,” it’s worth taking a closer look.
What you can do now
- Write down what happens. Not as evidence for him, but for you. A journal helps make the pattern visible.
- Talk to someone outside the relationship. A friend, an advocate, a therapist. An outside perspective can set a lot straight.
- Calm your nervous system. Breathing exercises, walks, EFT tapping. Not to make the relationship more bearable, but so you can think clearly again.
- Allow yourself to trust your perception. You don’t have to know whether he’s a narcissist to decide that this relationship isn’t good for you.
If you’re experiencing physical violence or are afraid for your safety: the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
If you recognized yourself in this article, you’re not alone – and you’re not “too sensitive.” In my book “Emotional Healing After Narcissistic Abuse” I’ll walk you through understanding what happened, calming your nervous system, and learning to trust yourself again.
If you’ve already gone no contact and are struggling with panic or the urge to reply after all, my mini guide “First Aid After No Contact” is there for exactly those moments.
Part of the Circle: Why your body stays in alarm mode for so long – and what’s actually behind the vagus nerve trend – you can read on Heal your Body: Vagus Nerve Training: What’s Real About the Trend. (soon available in English)
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