For narcissistic parents, their children are not independent individuals.
They are merely projection surfaces and symbols of self-aggrandizement—or of a profoundly distorted image of hatred. Narcissistic mothers and fathers do not have children in order to give them unconditional love. They have children in order to be loved by them.
“Unconditional” does not exist in a toxic family system with narcissistic parents. Love, affection, or recognition are always tied to conditions, and narcissistic parents expect unquestioning loyalty from their children at all times. Any “no,” any boundary, any expression of personal will is interpreted as an attack on the narcissist.
How this manifests across different stages of childhood is outlined below.
Age 0–2 Years
During infancy and early toddlerhood, narcissistic parents view their children as natural extensions of themselves. They love the idea that their children adore them and love them unconditionally—without the parents having to do much in return.
At the same time, they are overwhelmed and irritated when their children express needs. Crying—the only way a baby can communicate distress—is something they cannot tolerate and is perceived as an attack, criticism, or disruption
(“You’re clean and fed—what do you want now?”).
At this age, children are expected to be charming accessories, meant to bring social recognition and praise to the parents. Any aspect that requires effort, patience, or emotional availability is met with aggression or neglect.
Narcissistic parents enjoy the natural dependency of a baby, as it gives them control and feeds their ego and sense of superiority:
“Without me, you are nothing.”
Age 3–5 Years
This stage marks the beginning of autonomy and defiance. Children start to express and assert their own will. They begin to differentiate themselves from parents and siblings—an essential process for forming a healthy identity.
While this is a completely normal and necessary developmental phase—children learn that their opinions and desires matter—it represents a nightmare for narcissistic parents. Autonomy and self-expression are experienced as a threat and a direct attack on the parents’ unquestionable position of power.
Children are not meant to develop a will of their own, because that would inevitably imply criticism of the parents’ nature—something a narcissist cannot tolerate.
The classic “Why?” phase—a healthy expression of curiosity and a desire to understand the world—is perceived by narcissistic parents as a challenge to their authority. Their typical response is:
“Because I said so!”
A declaration of omnipotence rather than guidance.
Conditioning continues during this phase:
If the child is obedient, quiet, or exactly as the parent wants them to be, they receive approval and the parent’s version of “love.”
If the child acts against the narcissistic will, rejection and punishment follow.
Age 6–12 Years
At this stage, narcissistic projection reaches one of its most painful peaks. The child is either a trophy or a disappointment.
The golden child or the scapegoat.
The narcissistic parent intrudes into every area of the child’s life: school, hobbies, friendships, privacy, clothing—nothing is safe from control. A child’s wish for privacy, such as having their own room or closing a door, is perceived as a loss of control. Choosing their own clothes or hairstyle is seen the same way.
Any achievement—whether academic or extracurricular—is either claimed as the parent’s own success (the golden child) or completely dismissed (the scapegoat).
Once again, it becomes clear that maintaining appearances is what matters most to the narcissist. Any attempt by the child to express their own personality is experienced as a disruption and triggers the narcissist’s envious, competitive nature.
Age 13–19 Years
What has already begun now intensifies. The adolescent’s attempts to develop independence are aggressively sabotaged through gaslighting and other manipulative tactics.
While the golden child may temporarily benefit from the privileges of extreme compliance, the scapegoat becomes the declared enemy. They are subjected to boundary violations, insults, manipulation, and blame.
Emotions continue to be invalidated and are now met with reality distortion and lies:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re imagining things.”
Behind every legitimate desire for freedom and self-expression, narcissistic parents perceive a loss of control and an attack on their fragile ego.
Narcissistic parents wage a war.
A war against their children.
Instead of being a safe harbor, they create chaos and stress—every single day. They benefit from moments of insecurity, despair, and loneliness, as these allow them to satisfy their need for control, power, and dominance.
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